| i forgot this what this felt like. |
[Saturday
December 15th] |
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MAY 26/07 You know, at some point, everyone always gets what they want.
Wether its something good or bad.
& in the end, everyone is selfish, one way or the other.
I think ive started the next chapter of my life.
..Just hoping it wont be such as wreck as this past one.
Today, im just where i want to be.
& even if i shouldnt say it, i will. because i feel it & I dont want to hide it.
Im really happy.
I love how life how has turned out to be.
Yeah, i felt like shit for a while.
But you know what?.. you get over it. & thats it.
I dont think im lucky.
Im just living life, & accepting what its giving me.
Today, im thankful for having those people that are present in my life right now.
Today i realized how important they all are to me.
& i probably wouldnt be who i am, without them.
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| going through my old stuff. |
[Saturday
December 15th] |
Sunday, May 06, 2007
Subject?: "I found myself again, thats why you're gone"
I feel happy..
Little by little, ive been letting go of things.
& surprisingly.. It hasnt been as hard as i thought.
..Or well, maybe i say that now because im doing better than i was the 1st month.
Either way, i feel relieved.
Him telling me that he no longer cares about me, helped me SO MUCH.
It didnt even hurt...it just made me feel good. & my smile was actually real.
I didnt exactly plan out this school year..
I mean for all I know i told myself id just focus on school (pft) & no boy drama.. HAHA!. LOVED how that worked out..
I think ive gotten even closer to my mom than i was before..
& thats great :)
"The truth is just a trick of light"
..I want to talk to a stranger.
& maybe be able to have a great conversation...the kind that just leaves you thinking & makes you wish to just never run out of words, so you wont break its fluency ...
...I want to read a great book.
The kind that you dont want to finish reading, in fear that you'll never find another just like it.
..I want to skydive.
Just for that great adrenaline rush.. all over..
with no thoughts & no worries..
& Just fall & feel free..
...I want to do something amazing.
Not just for me, but for others..
Something that'll leave them thinking ..even if its just for a few minutes..
Wether its something physical..
Or through writing.
Im done with this chapter of my life.
Im ready for my next challenge.
Ive learned that life will let me down in more ways than just one, but it wont be its fault, itll be mine, for letting it get to me.
But with every fall, the wounds will heal, & the scars will stay, just to remind me.. that I can move on & that everything does get better, even it takes a little longer than you would wish. :)
& With this last experience, ive gotten to know those who really care about me.. & It sure is alot more people than i thought.. But not more than a handful, & thats a perfect fit. I dont need more.
Thank you. :)
- most of these things came true.
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| Old stufff |
[Saturday
December 15th] |
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April 05, 2007 (never published)
Its 2:24 in the morning...&I'm thrown in bed...starring at nothing &seeing the world.
I suddendly lost direction in life.
Like its pointless to sleep...like its pointles to live.
But yet regardless of the non sense going through my mind &body..... I still want to be here.
Because before I realize it, life will slap me with reality &ill see how &why it all happened.
I sometimes pretend as if I already have my life all figured out.
But I really don't.
No one really does.
But I like to pretend.
I play a lot of mind games with myself.
&Ive come to realize, that I'm very vulnerable &naive.
I don't know what its like to lose part of your life...
But I do know &understand the feeling of losing someone you love.
I'm going crazy...
&it isn't healthy.
I can't help but to think...
To think about him..&the space that was once mines being taken up by her...
&the fact that he seems happy..
&the fact that I'm not.
I don't know what I want in life anymore.
I have no expectations &I have no hope.
I don't know how to make it better.
I don't know how long this will last.
There it is.
I knew he would be the down part of all my good.
It can't be perfect.
Life can't do that.
&people can't have it all.
Atleast not me, im not lucky enough.
Subject: bleh. wednesday to thurs. (last day of school)
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| Super old. |
[Friday
December 14th] |
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Sunday, March 25, 2007 Even if it isnt right.. im starting to appreciate the "right time" for things..
Spring break starts next friday..& its funny how last year i was basically in the same situation that im in right now & being so impatient for this day to come..
Even though a week isnt enough, its a start.
with work now to keep me distracted..
I love how everything happens for a reason, even if its wrong..
suddendly everything starts making sense..
& I no longer feel confused.. it just feels great.. even if its bad..
Its sunday afternoon.. a day which i normally hate, since theres never anything to do..
But sheila was right.. after working the whole week, you actually get to appreciate sundays.. :]
Ive learned that the best thing to do after crying your little heart out is to sleep.. you feel SO relieved when you wake up..
Also, staying up all night after a day of work.. isnt good.. atleast not for me.
When stressed, i HAVE to take a break..
&I dont do well under pressure.
If i manage to graduate on time, life will be granting me another miracle.
Its funny how you start to realize that.. youve been so stupid this whole time.. &how long its taken you to realize it. (im speaking of myself).
This feeling inside me of not caring; i wish itd last a little longer..
Im being so indisicive about a part of my life right now... or well... an event.
Im still trying to work on not changing my mind so constantly.
I say yes today, i say no tomorrow.
I suddendly felt like writing..
I should get this feeling more often..
The song "Motorcycle Drive By" is amazing, ive loved it since i was 12yrs old &i still love it today :]
&everytime i listen to it, i realize that.. now, after all these years.. i can somewhat relate to it.. which isnt such a great.. cause it doesnt say many nice things..
Ive learned to applied to my life the saying "if you always do what you always have, you will always get, what youve always gotten"..
My mistake has been that i keep on doing the same experimet & i keep expecting different results.
Ive never known when to give up...
&thats not a bad thing..
Just.. its not so great when you fight for, what im fighting for..
&realize that youre losing.. &that youve been losing..
&that.. i was just never winning..
I remember starting this school year.. & telling myself.. "this is gonna be a long year.."..
So far, it has been.. but at the same time.. it hasnt..
&now theres only 2months left.. &before i know it.. ill be out of there..
&there'll be no more.. problems. No more "drama".. &no more arguments.
I mean, sure.. ill still have issues in life and stuff..
Just, not about the SAME thing over and over EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Its safe to say, AND actually mean.. That this sunday afternoon, i feel relieved and happy.
&if i end up crying today.. it wont be cause im sad..
Itll be cause im just getting rid of it. of him. of this stupid feeling.
&itll be okay to smile once again :]
Im now sure that ive done nothing wrong...
therefore this feeling.. is pointless.
I dont regret anything thats happened, & everything i allowed myself to do.. i dont regret it.. not one bit.
Im glad it happened.
Thank you for this wonderful time you showed me.
&amazing things to made me feel. :]
"This is the last time we'll be friends again"...
I must go now.. good things await for me
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[Wednesday
August 1st] |
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Life, is good :)
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| candy necklace! :D |
[Tuesday
July 10th] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
content |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Depre tine |
] |
It bothers me how ... he acts like there was never nothing wrong.
&how i still kinda fall for it.
I had a weird dream &i woke up feeling strange.
..i was trying to leave this place & people wouldnt let me..
i guess i was trying to wake up.. but couldnt.
Have you ever had.. this feeling, when you see things happen.. before they actually do..
like.. you just see it as a little scenario & then it actually ends up happening?..
..its happening to me.
Im going skydiving in about 2weeks.
im supper stoked about it :D
Life on the other hand, is going pretty well...
im doing something a bit odd with myself.. but.. cant really explain.. its one of those "people wont really understand" thing.
Feels weird writing here.. its been.. yrs.
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[Monday
July 9th] |
| [ |
mood |
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eh |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Avril Lavigne - i will be |
] |
i miss my very 1st journal :(
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| Who am i? |
[Sunday
July 8th] |
| [ |
mood |
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accomplished |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Rise Against - Prayer of the refugee |
] |
You could have asked me a simpler question?
Like the meaning of life perhaps?
But WHO AM I? A paradox, A puzzle, A million dollar question...with no answer pending?
I feel like a child.. An inquisitive 2yr old whose favorite word is why. Why am I here?
Why was I born...and why should I care? I know I am not a savior...nor do I pretend to act like one.
I'm not perfect...just human. But I often do think about the purpose of life and it's importance. I look at myself in the mirror and I see Alice.
A little lost girl trapped in world of Mad Hatters...or the ones that I have created inside my head (searching for a Wonderland). Does it exist? Is it a dream? Or fear, fear of smashing through glass in order to find it.
So WHO AM I? A Paradox, A puzzle...A million dollar question with no answer pending..
My mind is blank and my cheat sheet is filled with only question marks. I have all these questions that are still left unanswered and yet I feel like I have one more minute left to go, before my audition to this world has expired...and I still don't know who I am?
So Who Am I? I honestly don't know, but what I do know...is that I am person that believes you should seize the day and live for it.
That life is not about someday, but is about today. I am not afraid of failure, but I am afraid of looking back twenty years from now and being only left with the phrase "What if". Life is not about "What ifs" it is about self choice and what you do with that choice. & my dream, is that one day I will not be judged, evaluated and discriminated based on what I look like on this screen in front of you.
So who am I, does this answer your question?
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